Loving a Ghost
by Penstrokes of Death
Summary: LSF Revan, post game. Carth has a question she doesn't want asked, Revan has an answer he doesn't want to hear. She has some broken, bitter memories, and they have to be shared.


_Disclaimer: Not intended for profit. Not mine, alas. But then, since Revan isn't cannon anymore, isn't my version just as good?_

 _ **AN: This one gets a trifle odd, so stick with me: anything in italics is a flashback, designed to sound like a stream of thoughts. Many of them are fragment sentences; this is my intent and is stylistic. There are gaps in the information, not because I hate you, but because that's what it's like for Revan too. I hope you enjoy it, even if it is a little atypical. If not, well, at least it's atypical.**_

"Hey."

"Hey."

Revan sank into the co-pilots chair, dreading the conversation that was now inevitable. As much as she wanted to get up and leave, Carth needed this answer. She'd put it off as long as she could, two days after the Star Forge, but he was getting antsy, and if he cornered her and brought it up it'd be hard for her to stay in control of the conversation. All she could do was keep telling herself the man needed to know; leading him on was wrong and she couldn't do that. Force knew she had had her share of false hope lately, and now that it was broken, crumbled, and raw, she'd have to dig it up to talk about it. On the beach on the unnamed world, when he'd told her that he could love her, she'd had a name for the terse feeling she'd had since the beginning about flirting with him- betrayal.

Malak, Alek, she did remember his real name, his old name, was more than just a Sith apprentice, more than just a Jedi, at least to her. He was everything to her. She hoped, really, against hope, that Carth would understand, having just let his own wife go. But she knew that he would call up all of the things Malak had done, ask how she could love a monster. Taking a deep breath, she got ready to plunge.

"I need to talk to you."

"I was wondering when you'd stop dodging me. What, afraid I'll bite?" He gave her a cocky smile and she raised an eyebrow.

"I'm serious, Flyboy. This is serious. It's about us."

The man nodded and sat up straighter, staring right at her.

"First off, I'm never afraid," She lied.

 _Afraid, afraid, so afraid. Corner! Duck, run faster. Hard to breathe now. Why do Jedi like long hallways? Right behind, gaining fast. Oh boy, were they mad, those boys._ \- What, exactly, she had done to make those Jedi boys so angry at her was a black hole in her memory.- _But they'd learn! They wouldn't be back, wouldn't make fun, wouldn't shove, wouldn't threaten. And all without anger! Like a good Jedi! A good Jedi! Oh, right, running. Running, because if not, they'd catch-_

" _Reva?"_

" _Alek!"_

" _What are you doing?"_

" _Look behind me!"_

" _Oh."_

 _Trapped, wrist caught. But Alek couldn't be on those boys' side, he couldn't! He was too nice! The only nice one!_

" _What do you want?"_

 _Suspicion, nervousness, not with the boys then. Helping?_

" _Leave her alone."_

 _Helping!_

" _Why do you care?"_

" _You think trying to take your anger and envy out through violence on a weaker creature makes you a good Jedi? What would your masters say if they knew?"_

 _Weaker creature?! Tiny hands curled into fists. Tiny hands. Curse smallness._

" _If you tell anyone what we're doing, then we'll tell what she's been doing."_

 _Glance, like a Master's, asking, almost accusing. Right through. Hide or tell? Knows or guesses or doesn't? Trust is hard._

 _Mumbling, denial. Trying so hard to be good._

" _She says she hasn't done anything."_

" _She's a liar. You'll see. But whatever, keep your freak pet if you want."_

 _Angry glares, stomping feet. Safe. Made safe._

" _Why would you help me?"_

 _Nobody helps, only ignores._

" _Because you needed help."_

"Second, I can't love you."

"What?"

"Carth, you're a wonderful guy, you really are, and I'm glad you gave me a chance, but-"

His anger was rising, "Cut the crap, Revan! Cut the crap and tell me why you're too good for me."

"That's not it! Sit down and listen. I can't love you because I love someone else too much right now. I don't think I'll ever stop. It's not fair to you, to make you compete with a dead man, and I don't want to make you."

"Dead man?"

Patiently, bracing for a storm, she waited for him to realise, watched his brow furrow, felt his revulsion, saw his brown eyes get dark.

"Malak."

"Yes."

"You loved him?"

"Love," It was a gently, whispered, correction, but she knew it'd bring on a firestorm.

"How could you-"

"If you yell at me, I'll leave. I've already told you no, and now you have your reason. My staying is for your sake alone right now, because I understand and I have manners." The sentence sounded like a friend of hers that she couldn't name.

"How could ever understand what it's like to be told you don't mean as much as the ghost of a monster in the eyes of the person you love?"

She smiled, "Because I'm the one in love with the monster."

 _Sunshine, warm, bright gold. Groaning. Sunshine means morning, morning means awake. Stretching: the nice pull of muscles, the smart crack of bones, deep breaths. Something missing! A hand sliding over sheets, still warm._

" _I'm right here, Reva."_

 _There, in the doorway. Relief. Rolling over, hiding under covers. Making faces; why is he up?_

" _Goodmorning to you too."_

" _What time is it?"_

" _Eight hundred."_

 _More groaning. Too early to get up, too late to go back to sleep. The worst time. He hasn't been up long, hadn't meditated yet. Always first thing, always steady. Consistency is nice. It means comfort. Sliding down, toes in carpet. Carpet is nice, so much nicer than stone and wood. Carpet means home. Carpet to tile into the bathroom for a shower. Warm, even if he thinks it's crazy. Very warm. Almost as warm as him._

"Did you just remember this?"

"No, I've known- more or less- since the Leviathan." Revan swallowed hard, "He- I just knew, deep down."

"And you let me keep talking like an idiot. I wasted my time."

He got up and left the cockpit, left her sitting there biting her lip and aching. It didn't hurt to let him as much as it did hurt to hurt him. She cared about him, she just couldn't give up Alek. There were years between them, times when even Jedi masters couldn't separate which thoughts were hers and which were his. Carth was kind, and quick, and funny, but he hadn't been there like Alek had. What she'd said about not wanting to make him compete with a ghost was true, and one day he'd see that. She just hoped they could pick a friendship out of the remains.

"So I guess that means I won't get to go to Telos after all."

Revan smiled, "Hey, Mish. Did you hear all that?"

"Only the loud parts." The Twi'lek sprawled out across the other seat, "But don't worry. When we were on Taris, me and Griff had a space next to this couple who yelled all the time. You weren't that bad."

"Do you think that I'm crazy?"

"I think all Humans are crazy. Everything's so serious for you, everything. It's kind of ridiculous."

"Do you think I'm crazy specifically for this?"

"You mean letting the handsome Republic soldier utterly devoted to you slip through your fingers so that you can wake up screaming about a guy who tried to kill us all?"

She bit her lip, "When we find a place to settle, we won't have bunk rooms. You don't need me waking you up all the time."

"Whatever. But no, I don't think you're crazy. See, I have these memories, way down in my lekku," The blue head-tails in question twitched, "And they aren't even mine, but somehow, I know things. I could understand them coming up and being too much. I know when I thought I'd lost Griff I was just about ready to go crazy! And if I had to guess, I would say he was really good to you. I get it, I guess."

"How would you?"

The teenager gave a wicked grin, "Sometimes you talk in your sleep too."

"What do I say?"

"Oh, lots of things," Mission rubbed her fingernails on her vest and held her hand out, inspecting it.

"Like what?" Revan was fighting hard not to pale. If all that work keeping Bastilla out of her dreams was pointless because she said everything anyway…

"Nothing."

"Mission!"

"Relax! You aren't corrupting me or anything. Mostly it's incoherent mumbling. Nothing too un-Jedi like."

"Young lady, you watch yourself, do you hear me?"

"Yes, Mother." She rolled her eyes, "You've just got a big mouth, Rev."

" _You need to learn to keep that mouth of yours shut, Malak, or you'll find your words bite back."_

 _Anger, white hot. Contempt. This man who thinks the past matters, or that he has some advantage. Sith must be strong, no weaknesses. He is only here because it is easiest, only here because there is some small weakness left for him. But that will not be pressed, there will be no second chances._

 _His words get lost so easily, lost to rage and then explosions of his pain, his confusion, his hate. The hate is new and awful. Almost wanting to kill him. Stopping because this man was… is strong, is useful, may be loyal a while longer. It is easy because he knows orders before they are said. His thoughts, they used to be so present, now gone. It is empty, so empty, but so much room to think. Thoughts about important things. Thoughts for war, against a dull echo of his pain and whatever his last words were. Needing to look, hating to look, but-_

"Rev! Revan! Are you okay?"

Searing pain burned its way through her mind, rippling through her as an aftereffect of tugging herself away from a flashback. She was having to pant to breathe and Mission's hand felt like it was one someone else's shoulder.

"I'm okay. I'm okay."

"You are not! Jolee! Jolee, come here!"

"No, you don't have to-" Shaking her head made her dizzy and she swayed. Her whole body ached.

"What did she do?"

"We were talking and she just zoned out for a second, then she looked sick. Is she okay?"

The floor of the ship swam before her eyes and the voices above her sounded fuzzy and far away. Taking a deep breath, Revan reached out, back into the Force. It welcomed her in, recognising her again, lamenting her distress. Everything slowly seeped away.

"I'm fine. It was just a flashback, that's all."

"Just?" The old Jedi cocked an eyebrow at her and scowled, oddly serious.

"It wasn't a pleasant one. I couldn't stay in it."

"Hmph."

He hauled her up by the collar and tugged her down the hall to the medbay.

"In my day kids had to at least have someone else involved to get her."

"Or a lightsaber."

"Lightsabers don't grow on trees, missy!"

"Jolee, I miss him. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

He took a deep breath and she braced for another ridiculous story, "There's nothing you can do."

"What, that's all I get?"

She drank whatever was in the cup he handed her.

"Do I look like a psych droid? You fell in love, Rev, and you fell hard. You'll live with that for the rest of your life."

"Did I do the right thing about Carth?"

"Do you regret it?"

"I don't know."

"Then yeah, you did the right thing."

"Can I go now?"

"Why, you got a hot date?"

She grinned, "Not anymore, apparently."

 _Quiet, sneaking, trying not to giggle! Can't giggle! Getting caught is not fun. Biting lip, waiting, feeling, listening._

 _Someone! Someone coming! Wait…_

 _Alek?_

" _What are you doing?"_

 _Explain? Tell? Lie? No, he's nice, lying would be mean. Saying nothing. Too dark to see, but sure of a frown._

" _Shouldn't you be asleep?"_

 _Worry? Confusion. What does he want?_

" _Reva?"_

 _Not wanting to talk, not knowing what to say. Wanting to hide or fight. Not sure._

" _What are you doing here?"_

" _Looking for you. You seem like you get in a lot of trouble."_

 _Insulting. Not getting caught means no trouble._

 _The goal is always not to get caught. Getting caught would mean another lecture from Vrook and probably having to clean the dorms again. That is never fun._

 _But Alek is outside, reaching, checking. This window is always open. The grass is waist high and tickles bare feet. This is something that can cause a lot of trouble. Odds are against not getting caught. Can't keep secrets forever._

" _Hey, girlie. What kept you?"_

" _Nothing. Just being careful."_

" _Since when?"_

 _Holding hands. Powerful thing, that. Nobody would care in the Enclave, but outside is wild and free. Wanting, longing, to be that free. So outside it is, with Kath hounds and grass and stars._

 _Talking, walking, for hours and hours. People would think the worst, but they don't know, would never understand. Loving to listen, to talk, to share ideas and hear them out loud. To laugh, because no one else wants to hear laughter, it feels like._

" _Alek, do you ever wonder what would have happened if we weren't Jedi? And we still knew each other, I mean. Like if we had met before the Jedi."_

" _I don't know. You probably would have died, if you lived on my world. It's not worth thinking about."_

 _Deep hurt, deep and always there. Nothing fixes it, no matter what. So sorry, so sorry for saying, for thinking. Slow opening, seeing forgiveness, seeing raw pain, hurting for him. Hurting a lot._

" _Alek, I-"_

" _You don't have to say anything."_

" _I love you."_

 _Sunlight, coming up. Means getting caught, if there's not a rush. Absolutely worth it._

"Is he really worth losing your pilot for, Revan?"

"Absolutely."

" _I love you, girlie."_

" _Alek, please don't leave me. Please don't! I just got you back!"_

 _His hand, calloused and scarred from years of fighting, pushing my hair back, rubbing over my cheek. I want to remember all the other times he's done that, all the other times he's looked at me like he wasn't the one breaking._

 _Anger, blinding anger at the blinding tears that mean I can't see him._

" _I can heal you, I can-"_

" _We both know you can't. The Star Forge doesn't have that kind of Light in it."_

" _But there-"_

" _Reva."_

 _It hurts so bad that I'm not sure I'm not dying too, dying from the pain in my chest so bad I could scream. Real pain._

" _I love you, girlie."_

" _I love you, too."_

" _I'll be with you, okay? I'm not going to leave you. There is no death, there is-"_

 _Praying, praying to anyone, anything for him to finish, for him not to leave._

" _Alek? Alek!"_

" _Reva."_

 _It's less than a whisper and it hurts so deep, hurts so completely, "There is the Force. Please. Please." Knowing he loved to quote the Code at me, to make feel like it had some meaning even if we both found it ridiculous._

 _Quiet whisper, sweep of a soul passing on. The Force glowing brighter and I do scream, scream so that I can't feel any more, feel nothing for just a second._


End file.
